My morning walks are not only for exercise purposes, which I desperately need in my life, but also for "mom" time. I usually walk and listen to a podcast, an audio book or catch up on Pastor's latest sermon that I may have missed. But sometimes when my heart is heavy and my mind is racing, I just turn on some praise and worship music and pray as I am walking. This morning my head was all over the place. My thoughts were on racism and injustice, Corona Virus and all the changes in our world because of it, and our sweet adopted girl and her birth mother. Some of these things break my heart and some just make me so angry. Then I think how much more Jesus' heart must be breaking right now. 

I know everyone has an opinion and if you want to find it you can mostly likely look on Facebook. It is okay to be outraged and to stand up for what you believe in, but yelling at the top of your lungs and ranting and raving on Facebook isn't going to make most people listen. In fact, it will turn them off and do just the opposite. It isn't about who is the loudest. Unreasonable, evil people are not going to listen to you yell. I am not a loud person by nature and you will not find me willingly entering into a debate, but when Jesus speaks truth to my heart you better believe I am going to share it one way or another.

So here it is . . . These are are my flowers. I love flowers. I am not super knowledgeable and I can't even tell you what kinds they are sometimes. I choose them because I like how they look and I like their colors. But I do know that they require daily maintenance. They need water everyday or they start to wilt. Even when I water them daily, some petals still wilt and die. I go out everyday and pull off the dead parts. Sometimes I think I am done only to look underneath and find more that need to be plucked out. I do this to make room for new growth.  The same is true in our lives. We need daily maintenance. We need to be in our Word daily and then we need to look for dead, ugly things in our lives that need to be pulled out. We need to do this so we can grow! Sometimes, we have to pull back layers and look underneath to make sure we don't have any wilt in us. 

I certainly don't want to break Jesus' heart and I don't want to be a part of the problem in this world. I choose to trust God for my families' future and I will keep growing despite the world around me.  I will not live in fear, but I will make good choices.

I will continue to stand up for what I believe in and I will teach my children to do the same. . . but sometimes the best way to "stand up" is to kneel. I want my voice to be God's voice, and sometimes the battle is won when we are on our knees and not our soapbox. 

Sometimes as a mom I doubt myself. Okay, a lot of the time. In an attempt to teach my children life skills and Godly character, I sometimes feel like I fail miserably to model the behavior that I so badly want them to have. How can my lack of patience with them show them how to be patient with others? How can I expect their tone with others to be kind if my tone with them is less than  lovely. I find God constantly whispering correction in my ear as He challenges me to be more like Him. Oh how I want to be more like HIM. 

I pray for my children daily, but sometimes my mama heart still leans toward worry. Am I teaching them respect, honor, and how to value others and themselves. Am I teaching them the right subjects in school? Am I teaching them how to eat healthy and take care of their bodies? Are they learning the life skills they will need later in life? Are they responsible and self-motivated?  Are they honest, dependable, and trustworthy?

Today especially, my focus was on my boys. Oh boys . . . You probably know this, but they are so very different from girls. If you have not raised them, you may not quite understand them. My boys aren't usually quiet, they wrestle ALL THE TIME, sitting still for more than 5 minutes is very rare, and playing can turn into fighting in a matter of seconds. Best friends one minute and  sworn enemies the next. They want everything they do to be considered "dangerous," and get a thrill watching their mother squirm when they bring bugs and creatures around. They make weird noises and are amused at the weirdest things. And someday, these boys will be men and husbands to two lucky girls. :) Will they be ready? How can I keep them boys, pure and innocent, while teaching them to be men? I sat and watched them jumping on the trampoline  in the water and for a brief moment felt overwhelmed at this enormous responsibility.

​I closed my eyes and whispered a brief prayer for them and for me. I prayed that God would keep their hearts soft and teachable and that He would continue to put people in their lives that would speak life and truth to them. And for myself I prayed for wisdom, strength, grace and peace. When I opened my eyes, I saw the most precious sight.

Can you see it?  Yes, those are my boys jumping on the trampoline in the water and they are precious. But do you see the rainbow? That rainbow brought tears to my eyes and peace to my heart as God gently whispered His words to me. He doesn't need me to be perfect in order to complete His perfect work in my children. He just needs me to do my best and give all that I have and He will come in and fill in the gaps. He is more than enough and His plan is not dependent on my mothering skills or lack there of.  How my children turn out or what they accomplish in life will not be because I was such a great mother or because of my skills. It will be because of HIM and His grace and mercy. He has already provided all they need for life and eternity. I trusted my children to God's care when they were small and I believe that He will continue to work and complete what He has started in their lives. My boys will be ok! 

Someone once told me, (and I would give them credit if I could remember who it was,) that in ministry you need to have thick skin and a soft heart. Thick skin to not be easily offended and a soft heart to love those around you and to see people through HIS eyes. This is easier said than done. Having a soft heart leaves us vulnerable to heartbreak and pain. This thick skin, soft heart idea requires us to be very intentional and requires consistent, daily attention.  It is learning when to speak and when to be silent; when to confront and when to let things slide.  

Today was mowing day. I had been out of town for a week and the yard was needing some attention. I love working outside! There is just something about the fresh lines of a freshly mowed and trimmed yard. I love bright, beautiful flowers all around and watching my garden grow. I love being surrounded by beautiful things. As I was mowing I came upon an unsightly patch of white clover. I had been battling it for a while now, but It had grown considerably larger in the week I was away.  This clover (or weed) prefers to fill in areas previously left bald by poorly maintained lawns and drought. It has a hard time growing in nutrient rich soil. So just the fact that it was growing in my yard alerted me that something was not right.  This clover creeps along under the surface of the grass and if left unattended takes over. I had a problem and I was going to fix it. I researched what I needed to do to get rid of it and began the tedious task of digging the roots out of the ground . The ground was hard and it was quite a job and after an hour of work, I felt that I had hardly made any progress. 

My mind had been racing with thoughts, feelings and emotions. So much was happening and my heart was overwhelmed with love and concern for my friends, my family and my current situation. So much uncertainty, doubts and what ifs flying around. I felt powerless and useless. What do you do when life keeps throwing curve balls at you or those you love? When life just happens and there is nothing you can do or say to make it better? When your heart is breaking and you just can't seem to figure out exactly what God could be thinking to allow all these things to come your way. I couldn't fix it and I couldn't find any words even worth saying. 

I needed some quiet time to pray and process all I was feeling.  I was on my way out to my garden when once again my attention was captured by that unsightly patch of clover. The grass was now wet but I couldn't help myself and sat right down and began pulling out clover by the roots. This time the clover came out more quickly. The rain had softened the ground and in about 10 minutes, I had nearly removed the entire patch of weeds.

This is when God once again spoke gently and quietly to my heart. "I can accomplish my work in you more quickly if your heart is soft. Yes, sometimes your heart will break, but I have a plan. I see you and your tears. I know your doubts and fears. Trust me! I can take broken things and make them beautiful."

 This is what I must hold on to and believe.  What matters to God is the heart. God wants us to have soft hearts - hearts of love and compassion. But if we are to make any difference to this world, this will lead to hard feet as we travel along tough paths and face challenges. These challenges no doubt may bring pain, doubt  and tears, but are also meant to strengthen and grow us and to bring Him glory. In his perfect time, He will bring beauty out of the broken.
 

Child hood is filled with so many milestones that we watch and wait for. We celebrate each new accomplishment with cheers , applause and pictures. We write them down and lock them away in our memory so we can remember them forever. There is the first smile, first bath, the appearance of the first tooth, eating solid food, crawling, standing, first words, and walking. But as out little peanut grows and reaches all these milestones, I am filled with mixed emotions; joy and sadness. I am joyful because she is growing, healthy, and thriving and I am so blessed and honored to be a part of her life.  But I am sad because her mother is missing all of these things. 

I keep very good records and send emails every so often to inform mom of all her most recent accomplishments. I send pictures of her sweet little smile and her first Easter. I tell her all the foods she likes and does't like. I tell her when she is sick and crabby and when she fell down and bumped her head. I tell her about doctor visits and shots. But today, she had a new first . . . she said Mama. One little word that melted my heart and broke it all at the same time. Her sweet little voice and two little syllables that changed my world. She had been with us 8 months and we were all she knew as family. She called me Mama.  I felt guilty and honored at the same time. I couldn't bring myself to tell her mother about this milestone. How could I tell this woman that her baby's first word was Mama and that she said it to me.  I couldn't. I didn't. 

This journey is so complicated sometimes and I find myself hanging between what is and what should be. So many emotions and feelings.  So many things unknown. But this little girl, she is so worth it and I love her. For now, I am her Mama. 

I couldn't believe I was asking myself this question. We were only 3 months in to our foster care journey and I was already questioning our calling.  It wasn't my finest moment, but there I was sitting on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out and trembling in fear. What was I afraid of? Loss. Heartache. Unknown decisions. I felt like everything around me was crumbling and I had no control over any of it.  I wasn't the only one feeling the stress and fear of the unknown. I saw it in my children too. There were tears, anger, and sleepless nights. 

Reunification with mom wasn't possible, but some family members had surfaced and visitation was in full swing. I knew this was going to happen and I knew that reunification is the goal in foster care, but my emotions took over and I just wasn't seeing things clearly. I just loved her so much and couldn't imagine her leaving. I trusted God and I trusted that this precious baby was in HIS hands. I knew He had a plan, but my emotions took over and fear had moved in. In HIS  gentle way He spoke truth and love to my heart. Though I didn't know the outcome, right now, she was here and I was going to love her. No matter how long.

My crying only lasted a short while when I was able to give it back to God and started once again to take every thought captive. It is not God's plan for us to live in fear. We need to simply trust and keep moving. We don't need to be strong. We need to remain close to the ONE who gives us strength. If God has called you to this special journey, then you can rest assured that He will give you what you need to do it and will be with you all the way. It IS worth it.

We did it! We started the licensing process last November and as of today we have been notified that we are officially a Licensed Foster Family. We are excited and a little nervous about what lies ahead but are confident our God goes before us.
     So what does this mean? This means that at any given time we could receive a phone call about accepting a child into our home. It means that we may show up with extra children in our family and they may be different each time.  You may hear children you do not know calling us 'Mommy' and 'Daddy' or many other titles. When we say yes to a child, we are saying that we will love and accept them for who they are and where they come from. When we say yes to a child we are promising to provide a safe place for them to live, dream and grow. When we say yes to a child, we have no idea how long they will be with us or if or when they will get to go home.  When we say yes to a child, we are promising to love them like our own while still remembering they are not. Our main goal is to provide a safe resting place while working towards reuniting them with their birth families. This is the heart of God. He created families to be together. It was HIS original plan. When we say yes to a child, we are saying we are willing to experience pain and heartbreak so they can know love and wholeness. When we say yes to a child, we are taking their story into our family and guarding it like our own. Their story is not ours to share and we won't be sharing it. Imagine with me your worst parenting moment. (You know that time you're are most ashamed of. That time when you lost your temper or made a not-so-great decision.) Now imagine that moment being replayed over and over again on a jumbo tron. No matter where you go or what you do, this moment keeps resurfacing and is never forgotten. This is what some parents are dealing with on a day to day basis. Yes, they have made mistakes and the consequences will be life changing, but nothing they have done is too great for our God to forgive! They deserve our respect and forgiveness too!
     In one of our Foster Parenting Classes, we were asked to write a letter to the biological parents of our foster kiddo.  This is a small part of our letter. This is our heart . . .  

    Dear Parents,
           If you are reading this letter, then it is finding you at a difficult time in your life. My family and I want to express our deepest sympathy. We need you to know that you will receive no judgement from us. We do not know your life story nor what has led you to this day, but we do wish to get to know your child. We understand that though mistakes have been made, you love your child and want him/her to be safe and happy. We want to work together and extend you grace (as it was extended to us by our Lord and Savior.) We want to encourage and walk beside you as you start putting the pieces of your family back together. We have all made mistakes and are broken people, but there is nothing that you have done that is beyond the grace of God. He can take the broken pieces of our lives and make something beautiful. We believe God created families to be together and we want to see your family restored as well . . . We believe that love is endless and can grow. We believe that a child can love more than one set of parents. While your child is with us, we will do our best to make them feel a part of our family while still helping them maintain a healthy relationship with you, if at all possible. We will never speak badly about you to anyone, especially your child. We pray for and look forward to the day when you can be permanently reunited with your child. We hope you can open your hearts to us as we already have to you. We pray that we can all work together with the best interest of your child in mind. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers!

     When we say yes to a child, we are saying yes to a lot of unknowns. We are new to this journey and this is basically going to be on the job training!!  We know this will not all be easy and we know we will experience pain, anger, sorrow and everything in between. We appreciate all your prayers, patience, and encouragement as we navigate this new road. ​

     I know it has been a long while since my last post, but so much has been going on. In the last couple of months, we have been filling out mounds of paperwork, attending our three hour weekly foster parenting classes, and completing our home study. Last night we completed our 10th week of foster parent classes and are one step closer to our new journey.
     I would like to tell you that I started this journey and never looked back or had any second thoughts, but that would be far from the truth.  The truth is that just 20 minutes in to our first class, I thought I had made a mistake and thought about turning back. Only 20 minutes in and the doubts started to creep in. And if I am being totally honest, for the last 10 weeks, I have come home from every class either feeling discouraged,  overwhelmed, or totally unqualified. So many questions, doubts, "what-ifs" running through my mind and I can't seem to keep up. I know I am called, but there are so many unknowns. I lie in bed and tell God all the reasons that I can't do this and He fills my heart and mind with peace. He quietly speaks this peace to me through songs, His word, and by using treasured friends to encourage and walk beside me. I know my God goes before me and He will work out all the details. He didn't promise it would be easy or comfortable. He himself sacrificed his own comfort and quiet time to minister to those who needed him. He has provided me with the perfect example of selflessness and my prayer is to be moldable and teachable and more like Him. I can't see the BIG picture, but I see just enough to start moving and trust HIM to  guide me.
     When doubt creeps in, I am reminded to hold every thought captive and trust in HIS plan. He has given me everything I need to accomplish this calling and as I step out in faith into the unknown, I am thankful that my God can heal and restore and make the broken beautiful. He has already done this with me.
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Praying for the sweet children that will come through our home!

    The good thing about waiting is that you have a lot of time to plan and prepare. But how do you prepare for the unknown? In a time of complete uncertainty, what do you do? What is God's purpose here? What do I need to do? I find myself with all this time to think and my thoughts are swirling at high speeds inside my head. Will I be able to do this? Do I have what it takes? Is my family ready for this? Will my children understand the process? Am I ready for my heart to be broken? Am I strong enough? Who's idea was this? The questions come flying at me and for a brief moment fear begins to fill my mind.  But I remember a verse  . . . "Take captive every thought." 
     I whisper up a prayer and in my quiet time I hear Him say, "I have called you here and I am with you. I have given you everything you need. Do not fear, simply trust me!" You see, my heart is all in. Foster care and adoption is something that keeps me up at night and it is what I think about in the morning. You will find me crying and blubbering at Meet the Robinsons and sobbing during the news when I hear stories of abandoned or mistreated children. But tears are not enough, I am called to act.
     I know it will be hard and I know my heart will be broken. I know at times I will experience feelings of anger, frustration, and helplessness. In those times, please encourage me. I realize that by opening up our home to a child, I am inviting brokenness to come in too. The brokenness and tragedy that will bring them to our door, will become ours as well.  But Jesus is not asking me to do something that He has not already done. We are all broken and in need of a savior.  Jesus went to the broken and hurting on purpose. He took our brokenness on Himself and in return offered us hope and wholeness; peace and freedom. He experienced pain and suffering so we could be whole. This was HIS idea! Jesus knew in advance the pain and isolation He would feel and yet He still chose to walk in obedience. I was worth His pain. He loves me that much. So if I am able to offer love, stability, peace, and hope even for a short time, I am willing. No matter matter how much it hurts, I will walk in obedience because every child is worth the pain.
    This is the calling that Jesus has put on my heart! (Our hearts.)   What is God calling you to? Are you brave enough to ask Him and braver still to follow through? Whatever it is, know this . . . His ways are good and He has great ideas! He will give you what you need to do what He asks of you! With Him, you are strong enough.  The questions, doubts and fears are not from God. It is the enemy, seeking to kill, steal and destroy. I will not believe those lies. I will trust the One who has called me and I will follow in His steps, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts.

     When you finally make a decision to change or do something new, timing is everything. Even if it took years to finally take the first step, once a decision has been made we feel we must move quickly as if we are trying to make up for lost time. We have our own ideas of how things should happen and how long it should take, and when life misses our deadlines or falls short of our expectations, we get impatient and non complacent. A big transition or life choice is new and exciting and at the time we are motivated to make change happen. We are all in and nothing can stop us. That is until we hit the slightest road block or resistance. What then?
     We did it! We took the first step and sent in our paperwork to become licensed foster parents. I mailed the large manilla envelope on a Monday. In my mind I calculated how long it would take to reach it's destination and added a few days to get into the right hands. I was expecting a call or an email by the next week, but that didn't happen. It was three weeks before I heard anything and then I got a call. They wanted to set up our discovery home visit. Finally we were moving. We set up our visit for two weeks from that day. (Let's be honest here. I needed a little time to get things organized. I needed to deep clean, you know the places that you never show anyone. The hidden places where you put everything that doesn't have a place.) I wanted things to be perfect. At least as perfect and clean as it can be while having six people living in your house. For the next two weeks, I cleaned out closets, threw things away and organized the things we needed to keep. We moved furniture and rearranged bedrooms. We made plans. 
     The discovery visit came and went. We filled out more papers, answered a lot of questions, walked through our home and even got fingerprinted. I thought it went well. We were more informed and still going forward with this. We were excited and still very motivated, but now had more to think about. Things were going great. Once again I thought we would hear about the next step within the next week or so, but it was three weeks before we received an email with information we had been waiting for. It was time to get registered for our 10 weeks of training classes. The email came on December 22nd and as I read through it, my heart was undeniably disappointed. I was hoping to start classes in January and that wasn't an option. Instead, the first class available to us didn't start until March and the days of those classes would not work for our family.
     I admit I was frustrated at the long wait to begin what God had called us to.   You see I had planned it all out and now things were not moving at my desired pace. The need is great and here I am waiting months for my classes to begin. If I am completely honest I starting thinking about the changes that should be made in the system. (Like I have a clue how to do this.) This is when God once again dropped something into my heart . . . you need to wait! I need more time to get you ready. I need to clean you out and organize some things in your life. I need to reach the places of your life that you never show anyone. I need to deep clean those hidden places. I need to rearrange your priorities, thoughts and attitudes. I have plans!!
     And He does. He has plans and they are not mine. I do not always understand them but I do trust them. He knows who needs our family and He knows who needs our love. He knows what we can handle and His timing is perfect! So in the middle of your big changes or transitions, trust Him. He knows what He is doing. Maybe He still needs to work on you. Maybe it is just not the right time, or maybe He is telling you to simply wait.